


The Taste of Sugar

by Pennstram



Series: This world our own (SPN Advent Calendar 2020) [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse (Supernatural), Angst, CD is not Dean or Cas, Christmas Cookies, Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Drug Use, Emotionally Repressed Dean Winchester, Endverse, Episode: s05e04 The End, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, SPNAdventCalendar2020, Suicidal Ideation, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:34:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28148433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pennstram/pseuds/Pennstram
Summary: Congratulations. Your cookies did their job.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Endverse Castiel/Endverse Dean Winchester
Series: This world our own (SPN Advent Calendar 2020) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041642
Comments: 1
Kudos: 17





	The Taste of Sugar

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I jinxed myself on the last one. Things are starting to get dark now.   
> Day four: Cooking and Baking

“What the fuck did you give them?” Dean demanded as he shoved the beaded curtain aside. Cas didn’t even bother looking at him as he raised his hands in a shrug. It only served to irritate Dean more. Storming into their bedroom he grabbed Cas’s shirt collar and hauled him forward. “What the fuck is wrong with you, man?”

Cas leered up at him, eyes bloodshot and breath reeking of alcohol and weed. “I thought we already established I’m a useless fuck up, Dean?” He was roughly shoved back to the bed as Dean’s face twisted into a disgusted snarl. 

“That’s not what I fucking mean, and you fucking know it.” Dean scrubbed at his face in irritation before continuing, “The cookies. What the fuck was in them.” It wasn’t a question anymore, and Cas could feel the tension bleeding from him and let his mouth twist into a goading smirk. 

Stretching slightly, Cas folded his arms behind his head and tipped his head in poor imitation of how he once did. “The cookies I baked for myself? Why do you care all of a sudden?” 

“A kid died Cas!” Dean screamed at him, grabbing his shirt again and yanking him off the bed. “Whatever the fuck was in those killed her!” His voice was hoarse and shook with barely contained rage, but Cas didn’t even flinch. He merely looked up at his leader from the floor with a despondent look in his eyes. 

“They weren’t supposed to be shared.” Was all he replied with. 

Dean’s hand clenched the fabric tighter causing Cas to wince slightly as it bit into his neck. “That cocktail of drugs may not have affected you, but it fucking killed her! It should have fucking been you!” He spat and finally, finally, Cas’s eyes narrowed and grew dark. Dean’s hand on his shirt was shaking and the other balled at his side. 

But their eyes never strayed from each other. “I fucking wish it had been.” Cas growled out, deep voice as hollow as his eyes. “I didn’t eat any, but God. I fucking wish it had been me, Winchester.”

Dean’s fist connected with his jaw on his next breath. Cas fell back, arms splayed behind him at the contact. His lip curled up in disgust as Cas spat out blood at their feet before burning blue eyes locked on him again. “No.” Dean spat down at him. “No. You don’t get to wish for death. You don’t get that fucking luxury.”

“So what, only you’re allowed to want me dead?” 

“I don’t fucking want you dead, Cas!” He screamed back, facial features twisted in disgust and fury. “I never wanted you fucking dead! You always do this though! You go and put yourself at risk. Over and over and over again and for what?” His hands fisted into his hair as he spun away from the man still sprawled out on the floor. 

Pacing the length of the small room Dean hissed, “For fucking what, Cas? Those little Christmas cookies you decided to make yourself? Those little cookies you never intended to share? They killed someone. They killed one of _our people_.” Dean was across the room when he finally stopped to turn and look at Cas. 

The ex-Angel was staring at the smattering of blood coating the floor in front of himself. His mouth was a thin line and his eyes were half lidded but Dean could still see the tears shining in them. “Congratulations.” He waited until Cas slowly looked up at him before he continued flatly, all emotion draining from his face. “Your cookies did their job.”

Cas tore his gaze away and pulled his knees up to his chest as Dean sighed and slumped against the door frame. He knew Cas never wanted to hurt anyone else. He knew it had never been Cas’s intention for anyone else to get ahold of them… but the pain still remained. 

In the end, if he was really honest with himself, Dean wasn’t mad about the girl dying. Not as much as he really should have been. No. He was mad because Cas had intended to eat them himself. He was livid because Cas had wanted to take the easy way out. Had gone so far as to bake his own suicidal concoction into a fucking celebratory dessert. 

And yet— that still wasn’t it. Looking down at his friend, his partner, his lover, broken and lost on the floor, Dean felt his stomach twist. He was angry at himself. Because he had let things get so bad that Cas felt like death was his only option left. Because he let Cas believe he wanted him dead. Because he let Cas down. Over and over and over again. 

“It just wasn’t you.”


End file.
